Before the pandemic hit, I was one of those annoyingly ambitious and busy people. I juggled multiple jobs and had barely any time to sleep, much less socialize. The idea of having a love life? Laughable. I couldn’t even find room in my schedule for a date. Then, COVID-19 made its way to the U.S. and everything stopped. Suddenly, I found myself unemployed. I had more availability in my schedule that I’ve had since I was 16, and with that came lots of time alone with my thoughts and my body. I decided to use this newfound solitude as an opportunity to reconnect with myself and my sexual desires, and find out what sexuality in quarantine means to me.

Having a hectic schedule means knowing how to pleasure yourself because you don’t have time to let other people figure it out. I had my masturbation routine and my trusty vibrator that got the job done every time, but I wanted more than that. How do I make it more than a “job”? I wanted to have an experience. So I got experimental and bought more sex toys (hello Unbound Babes’ “Bender”). I started buying more lingerie and actually wearing it. These activities started to expand my self-awareness and tested my comfort zone. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly sexually liberated.

Connecting with myself was the easy part. Connecting with others? That was another story. Having to engage with romantic interests virtually meant being more vocal. There was no opportunity for suggestive touches and sensual kisses, all of the non-verbal signs that we normally share with each other when we’re aroused. But when the world started telling me I have to stay indoors and 6 feet apart from everyone, I had to learn how to open my mouth. When romantic interests wanted to make our conversations more steamy, I had to break out of my safe zone. Easier said than done (no pun intended). 

The irony of this dilemma? As a writer, it’s literally my job to effectively communicate concepts and ideas through words. Yet the mere thought of texting someone my favorite position made me nervous. Practicing phone sex and sexting taught me how to craft my sexual fantasies into actual words. Desires that hid shyly in the back of my imagination were suddenly being acknowledged and, even more wild, talked about. I soon realized that my issue was not with wording: it was with vulnerability. I was afraid of being ridiculed or judged. Acknowledging these fears gave me the guts to cross the threshold and explore virtual sexual connections. 

Everyone has at some point found themselves in a situation where they either faked an orgasm or pretended to be okay with a sexual scenario that didn’t really serve them. In my opinion, having the ability to be vocal about what actually pleasures you decreases the chances of these things happening. Self-assurance makes a huge difference in ensuring that you engage in the type of sex (including sex in quarantine) that you truly crave. After these experiences, I encourage everyone to take a moment and really listen to your desires. Understanding the type of intimacy you need and how to communicate those needs will only enhance your life, long after quarantine ends.